Personal – Caty Dearing

A tribute to my Memaw

Posted on August 17, 2020August 17, 2020 by catydear

A few weeks ago, my grandmother died.

She died of Alzheimers, and has had the disease for around 15 years. Doctors have been mystified as to how she had lived through such torture for so long. Finally, at the end of July, she was able to rest and become whole again.

COVID-19 put a whole new layer into the grieving process. No one was allowed in the memory care facility due to an outbreak. The visitation was limited to 10 people in the room at all times, and the funeral was completely spaced out with limited capacity. We wore masks the entire time (have you ever had a sobbing fit under a mask? It’s not my favorite).

I was able to be one of the family members to speak at her funeral. I wanted it to be loose, casual, off the cuff…but I should know better, because that’s not my style. I started to write, and the following came out. I wanted to share what I wrote with you, because my Memaw was a beautiful soul, and to know her is to be better.

In the middle of my living room sits a coffee table. Made of wood, circular, edges worn down by time. Before it sat in my living room, it sat in Memaw’s living room. When my daughter Kinleigh first learned to walk, she would grab onto the sides of that table and walk laps and laps, just like I did before her, like Kyle, Karly, Cody and Cole…all of us did. In almost every Skinner family picture taken at Memaw’s house, you can see her table in the frame.

In many ways, Memaw was just like that coffee table- strong, supportive, long-lasting, and always there, always present, even in my earliest of memories.

When I was little, there came a point and time in my life that my dad and I needed a place to stay. Memaw never hesitated; she gave us a home filled with joy and stability during a time in our lives when stability was hard to come by. I could count on the fact that at least 2 nights a week, my days would be filled with her giving heart, her goodness and her love.

What did that love look like?

Love looked like games of hide and seek, when I always hid behind the same big gold curtain and held my breath so that she couldn’t see me move, as she pretended to look in all different places as though each time was the first time I’d hidden there.

Love tasted like turkey and cheese sandwiches- a taste I could never figure out how to replicate, no matter how often I’ve tried to make them exactly her way. White bread, butterball turkey, mayonnaise…or was it miracle whip? I never could figure out why hers were the best.

Love felt like playing under a fort made of a card table, every homemade quilt in the house…and books. Always books. Picture books that were falling apart, coloring books, books that had been well-worn and well-loved, that had been read by all of the grandkids at one time or another. It felt like a family game of Pictionary, one where Memaw never understood what the card said and always spent her turn laughing so hard that she couldn’t stop, drawing maybe 1 to 2 lines or circles at most.

Love sounded like a larger-than-life laugh, one that burst out of her tiny body without warning. Memaw always looked like she herself was surprised at its volume. It sounded like a living room constantly filled with family, laughing, teasing, playing games, always celebrating life together. It sounded like the exclamation of “Catherine? Oh, I forget no one calls you Catherine anymore,” even though she was the only one I didn’t correct about it.

Love smelled like homemade chocolate pie for any and every special occasion, a recipe that I still get to enjoy thanks to the many cooking lessons she gave Karly. It smelled like melted Mr. Goodbars that were hidden in random drawers all over the house so that no one else would eat them. It smelled like cheese enchiladas a la Carte at Campo Verde, her scrambling to find change so that each of her grandkids could take a turn at the crank machine, trying to win some kind of small plastic cup that just took up space in her hallway closet.

This love has crafted and molded the person I am today, or at least the person that I want to be, that I try to be.

As an adult, people often say how much I am like my dad. I am meticulous, a hard worker, someone who loves a plan so much that I put together a binder with dividers for a Disney World vacation…I get things done. However, the more I’ve been looking back at Memaw’s life, the more I see her fingerprints on the person I am today. She was a hard worker, a fast learner, and a devoted wife and mother. Memaw played many roles: switchboard operator, secretary, housewife, you name it. Later in life, Memaw did data entry and was able to pay off both her house and her car while my Pepaw was sick with cancer. Regardless of her job, role, and life situation, Memaw pushed to make it the best possible situation for her family, without complaint, with a smile on her face. That’s the kind of woman I want to be; relentlessly making the world a better place for the people I love, and finding joy in everything along the way.

The coffee table in my living room isn’t going anywhere. Sure, it’s getting older, the scuffs around the edges getting more prominent, but like any table, it’s meant for gathering people together. Our memories do the same. To be a part of my family is to be a storyteller. It’s something we do every time we get together. A couple of days ago, my daughter asked me if I had any “great stories” about Big Memaw. We laughed, I cried…and I could breathe a little easier. The memories we have will become stories we tell, over and over until we have them memorized backwards and forwards. Memaw is no longer with us, but she will always be with us in the way we love each other and the way we continue to share her stories.

Memaw, I love you. Thank you for loving me, during good times and dark times. Thank you for never making me feel any other way but special, cherished and loved. Give Pepaw a hug for me, and save a spot for me on your Pictionary team in heaven.

Equity, Leadership, Personal, Policy, TEA

Systemic Change: Why Not Ask “Why”?

Posted on February 14, 2020August 17, 2020 by catydear

In this work, it often seems like we are given reasons why something cannot or will not happen when change is pursued. Whether it’s teachers wanting to add a specific book title to a classroom library or book club, or an ELAR coordinator wanting to dismantle leveled libraries on a campus/in their district…the roadblocks feel so similar. We hear things like “change is slow here” or “our community isn’t ready”…or even a downright “No.” When I hear these things, only one word comes to mind…why?

Let me be more specific. I’m not asking for the specific rationale behind the response. I know why many teachers still level their libraries, or why certain titles make parents or administrators uncomfortable. I guess I’m asking for the “why behind the why”….why does it have to be that way? Who makes the rules?

Last summer at the Teachers College in NYC, Lucy Calkins discussed at length the origin of American education systems. She talked about the origin of the U.S. education system, a system that was not meant to educate all, but a select few. Challenging us to reflect, we questioned how much has truly changed about classroom instruction from this original model? Not a whole lot, from my perspective. But everything else has changed. The WORLD has changed…people has changed…what is considered “literacy” has changed. Text is everywhere, thanks to the digital age. The amount of information available online doubles every twelve hours. No longer are we teachers the gatekeepers of the knowledge, dispensing it upon those we deem worthy. Rather, we are tasked with helping students pilfer through the information, finding information that is interesting and useful, teaching them how to examine information through a critical lens, and how to use it in meaningful ways.

When I walk into campuses and still see archaic beliefs and practices, I don’t lay blame on teachers who are working hard to do the best they can with what they know and understand. I don’t necessarily “blame” anyone. The higher up the chain I go, I observe so many stresses and pressures that I can empathize with and see motive behind certain choices. However, in my gut, I cannot let go of the fact that, if we are ever going to truly be a part of transformative educational practices that truly empower all students, we have to start questioning our practices, and the people in power have to set the example.

Superintendents, Directors, Coordinators, Administrators—I beg you to examine the systems in place in your prospective districts/campuses, and simply ask “Why?” Why does the dress code include/not include certain things? Why did we choose this specific discipline policy? Why is there an imbalance in who gets office referrals in our schools? Why do students seem apathetic toward learning? Why are teachers seemingly exhausted/unhappy? We must also do this with the understanding that, when we uncover uncomfortable issues, a 6 hour professional development will not fix them. Neither will one more new initiative, or a book study. We must be vulnerable, and we must be brave. Change takes time, and teachers are waiting/begging for brave leaders who are willing to invest the time to lock arms with them long-term to make systemic changes for the benefit of kids, leaders who will get in the uncomfortable dirt of change without panicking and searching for the nearest cleaning station.

What happens next? Teachers will join you in this work. (Consider this your own personal “If you build it, they will come” situation) You will start to see teachers more willing to ask themselves why DO they have those libraries leveled, or those seating charts in rows. They will be brave, because you have given them permission to do so…but they can’t do it alone. They need an example. Consider yourself a living, breathing mentor text.

Personal, Reading, Texas, writing

#TCTELA20 – Top Five Takeaways

Posted on February 5, 2020August 17, 2020 by catydear

A little over a week ago, I was settling into a hotel room in Frisco, TX prepping for a weekend of being “on.” The Texas Council of Teachers of English Language Arts hosted their annual conference at the Frisco Convention Center, and I have the privilege of being a part of leadership this year (I am the Teacher Development Section Chair). This was my third TCTELA conference to attend, but my first to attend as a “leader” of sorts. I joined the board in September, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect.

Before I start reflecting on this year’s experiences, I’d like to take a second and talk about what TCTELA has done for me as a whole, in both my career and my person. About 4 years ago, I began to gain a sense of restlessness in my work. I was a high school teacher who LOVED students but wanted an opportunity to stretch my legs and grow. I’d seen TCTELA mentioned in a tweet or two, and saw a link for proposals. I took a shot in the dark and submitted a proposal for a session on digital writing tools, and was approved for a roundtable. My principal paid for my registration to attend the conference that year (Galveston 2018) as long as I paid for my travel, food and hotel. My family came with me and we got an Air BNB to make a weekend of it. I knew approximately ZERO people there. However, the overall electric buzz that filled the halls, rooms, and sessions gave me the sense that I was not just Caty Dearing, English teacher, one of many within my district. It was my first sense of the larger community of ELAR professionals across the state and even the nation, and that my school district was but a small cog in the larger wheel of this work. I started following the organizational leadership on Twitter and came back to my classroom inspired and re-energized to teach and teach well.

That summer I left teaching to serve at one of the 20 regional service centers in Texas as a secondary literacy content coach/consultant. Talk about a huge leap—and feeling like a fish out of water! I shifted my Twitter account to be mostly educational (goodbye, Bachelor recap posts!) and started gaining the confidence to dialogue with the literacy leaders I so admired. By the time TCTELA 2019 arrived, I’d been accepted to another roundtable and had developed Twitter relationships with several of the attendees and board members. I had the courage to introduce myself to several of these people, and ask to get plugged in. Again, each session felt like chugging a Gatorade in the desert; I returned to my cubicle with a sense of purpose and a few new connections in the work.

In September, I had the opportunity to dive into the behind-the-scenes work of TCTELA. As a section chair, I have the privilege to facilitate discussions across the state with coordinators, coaches, principals, professors, all seeking ways to support other teacher developers. I knew it would be a great opportunity to develop more leadership skills, but after reflecting on TCTELA 2020, it has become so much more than that…which leads me to my top five takeaways from this weekend.

5. Getting my professional cup filled by incredible, dynamic speakers.

Clint Smith, author of *Counting Descent*

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I’ve taken a bit of a break from the edu-conversations. I’m extremely passionate about a lot of things, things that are hard, things that hurt, things that feel big and heavy and immovable. Sometimes (and this speaks to my privilege) it just feels like too much, and I have to step back. Laurie Halse Anderson spoke about rape culture and consent with such boldness, and Clint Smith talked about the single story narrative of history we often experience, and how to challenge and question this. By the end of the weekend, I really felt more energized and focused to dive back into those difficult conversations as an active participant, not a bystander.

4. An invigorated sense of purpose and interest in the Teacher Development section

Coming on in September, the few active members of the section and I decided to start from scratch. We consistently had about 5-6 people that would show up on our monthly Zooms, contribute ideas, and share their expertise. I remember the feeling of pride we felt when we released that first newsletter in December!

At the conference, we each had tables for our sections. Every time I passed our table, I saw a section member talking to others and handing out buttons. We had a full table at our Sunday “Coffee and Conversations,” everyone excitedly talking about all of the ways we can address leader burnout and other heavy issues. I’m pumped to take that enthusiasm into the new year, and I think that by TCTELA 2021 our section will have created/shared a wealth of new resources! It was truly so much fun and warmed my heart to share space with so many COOL people.

3. Rebekah O’Dell’s session on teachers as writers

This session gets its own bullet point, because it tapped into a part of myself that’s been dormant for a really long time. In my last post, I talked a lot about the crippling fear I’ve been experiencing every time I try to write. Rebekah approached this idea of teacher-writers from a different angle, providing ideas and options to just start the process. I found myself excited about several ideas, where before I’d found myself drowning in a sea of “I have nothing new to offer here.” I’ve been able to set aside time to write/journal in small chunks. Hey, this blog post is proof of that! I’m excited to see what I’ve written by 2021, even if it’s all writing that’s just for me.

2. Friendships, friendships, friendships

As I said at the beginning of this post, my entrance into the TCTELA world was one of a stranger in a sea of strangers that had developed into professional connections, mostly via Twitter. This weekend I was able to spend actual face-to-face time with the teachers, coaches, coordinators, and professors that I’ve only ever Zoomed and tweeted with. We spend each night down in the lobby, laughing and brainstorming over wine and hummus. It’s amazing how this conference brings people together, and I’m entering the 2020 year with a cadre of people who care very deeply about this work, and about me, and that feels pretty cool.

A newfound sense of confidence in myself as a literacy leader (bye bye imposter syndrome)

Something unlocked in me this weekend. I’ve lived most of my adult life fearing the concept of leadership, and considered myself more of a follower. Every time I encountered a promotion or an opportunity to lead, I chalked it up to “right place right time” or a really great interview. Over the past few months, I’ve been feeling a sense of pride in the work that I’m doing at the service center and a desire for MORE. I’m fairly certain that the other four takeaways listed contributed to this, but I truly had a “come-to-Jesus” moment with myself. I am a literacy leader, and that has nothing to do with a board position or a job.

I have contributions to make to this work.

I can confidently introduce myself to people in the field that I look up to without worrying if I’m good enough, smart enough, etc.

I can write things that might help other people.

I can confidently volunteer my thoughts, ideas, and concerns without apologizing first.

What I hope other conference attendees gained from this past weekend is a similar understanding. Cornelius Minor said in a presentation I attended last year (and this is paraphrased based on my memory), “If you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to lead this work, you will always be waiting.”

Your voice matters. You have something to contribute to this community. You are valuable to the ELAR collective, not because of position or job, but because you dedicate your time and heart to students, and that is important, and people need to hear what you have to say. I’m dedicating myself to this mantra, and would love to support you as well!

Let’s be bold, brave, and unapologetic together.

Personal, writing

Disrupting the Edu-Writer Persona: Some Reflections

Posted on January 26, 2020August 17, 2020 by catydear

There’s nothing like great professional development that returns me to this space. For the past six months, I have grappled and struggled through the reality of “educator as writer” in the digital spaces I navigate daily. I began this blog as an attempt to practice what I preach, and yet—time after time, writing is the thing that always gets pushed to the side.

Time. There never seems to be enough time. I’m constantly pushing writing aside for the other more seemingly urgent needs of my family, my colleagues, the teachers I support…pretty much any and every need except for that of myself.

But when I really consider my time, I don’t think that it’s the scheduling that really keeps me from opening up the browser and tapping key after key…I still struggle with that ridiculous demon of imposter syndrome, consistently feeling as though what I have to say is nothing new to the conversation, that someone has already written something more articulate and better-researched about whatever topic I’d like to approach.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to deliver “academic discourse.” As an educator, the personal of digital “edu-celebrity” is real. We see leaders in the field leading Twitter chats, each set of 280 characters full of insight, pushing the thinking of others in the field with each like and retweet. Each blog is full of hyperlinks, citations, current research in the field, student samples…and so much pressure on the educators like me who want to be a part of the conversation but feel just so inadequate to do so.

This post isn’t a solution to imposter syndrome by any means. It’s also not a criticism of the people who do such incredible work to write and inform on Twitter, blogs, etc. It’s more of a self-affirmation that I don’t have to be edu-famous, and that is okay.

I’m giving myself permission to write about things that I’m thinking, regardless of how long the conversations and research have been happening in the field of education or other.

I’m giving myself permission to write about non-education related things, to explore topics and ideas that are important to me not just as an educator, but as a human being.

I’m giving myself permission to write imperfectly, messy, redundantly.

Finally, I’m giving myself permission to write for myself, not for others. My top writing goal for 2020 is not to become published, acquire x amount of followers, subscribers, etc. My goal is to connect with my writerly identity: who is Caty Dearing, writer? What does she care about? What topics bring her joy, peace, satisfaction through the writing process?

If you’re like me and you need someone to give you permission, I invite you to join me. Let’s shift back to writing as an exploration of identity and thought together, casting off the pressures of the digital edusphere and see where writing for joy takes us.

Equity, Leadership, Personal, Professional Learning

Moving from the Safe Space to the Brave Space

Posted on July 15, 2019August 17, 2020 by catydear

Selfie with Cornelius Minor at our literacy conference…an educator who inspires me so much!

Last week, we hosted a literacy conference at work. Incredible educators such as Cornelius Minor, Lester Laminack, Pam Allyn and Dr. Lindsey Moses were all there sharing their work with 450+ teachers in Texas. Every time I get a chance to learn from the “best” in the field, I simultaneously feel inspired/full and slightly insecure. You see, one of my lofty goals in life is to be a writer. I’m a researcher and a voracious reader, and I can play school like no one’s business. However, when it comes to actually putting pen to paper, I withdraw.

One of my colleagues put a term to this passivity last week. In a moment of inspiration/word vomit, I shared how I was feeling about my own inadequacies. “Oh, you have imposter syndrome,” she said. She later explained that imposter syndrome is this feeling of inadequacy, the instinct that there is someone better/smarter/more well-equipped than you to accomplish a thing. When I go to write, or collect my thoughts, I often think about the incredible scholars publishing text and speaking all over the world on the subjects I’m passionate about, and I withdraw my voice every time. Why would I write about text access when Donalyn Miller already does it so beautifully? Why engage in written conversation around LGBTQ+ literature and student support when I’m straight, and there are queer educators already elbows deep into the work? Why write my queries about privilege and race when, as a white woman, I’m almost certain to make a misstep? I constantly try to convince myself that my voice isn’t a necessary part of the conversation, although this sentiment is the polar opposite of what I would teach my students. I recognize this “imposter syndrome” as an unhealthy thought/insecurity. But what next?

Earlier in the day, I’d been chatting with a group of literary educators and we’d been talking about the terror of using our voice and putting our thoughts out there for the world. “We just need a safe space,” I’d stated. Brian, a work friend who was working in close proximity to us, whirled his chair around. “You gotta get out of your safe space,” he said to us. I was confused–don’t we all need a safe space to test the more risky thoughts in our heads? “You have to move from the safe space to the brave space, or you’ll never accomplish change,” he stated.

This phrase has been running on repeat in my head all week. What does it mean to move towards the “brave space”? When I truly reflect on my research and teaching, I find that I indeed tend to play it safe. In my attempts to address my privilege and biases, I often discuss these with close friends that I know will correct me out of love if I am wrong or misinformed. When attempting to establish myself as an ally to the LGBTQ+ community, I hold back from having conversations with specific audiences because I don’t want to deal with the conservative backlash. My heart demands radical thoughts and radical change, but I’ve been paralyzed, self-imposing voicelessness onto the words in my brain and heart.

This blog is proof of it. I started this page in October to battle the hypocrisy I noticed in my practiced. Here would be an online space to use my voice, to explore new ideas, to speak my truth! The last time I’ve written anything? October.

One thing is for sure…the brave space is a space where I want to live. What does this mean for me? I’m going to, as Brene Brown says, “rumble with vulnerability.” I am going to be my authentic self, and I am going to write about my thoughts and wonderings even if I am the only one who sees them. I’m going to take risks. I’m going to start brainstorming projects and seeing them through. I’m going to work on/through getting in my own way, because ultimately, I care about students and I care about my fellow educators. I’m proud to do the work that I do, and I believe in the future of education.

Raise a glass to living in the brave space. Deep breaths, everyone!

Personal, writing

#WhyIWrite

Posted on October 24, 2018August 17, 2020 by catydear

This blog is a step of faith.

It’s an experiment, a dumping ground, one big question, a million different answers.

On Saturday, October 20, NCTE encouraged teachers and students everywhere to share why we write. There were videos, lesson plans, all sorts of great resources shared. I reflected on the writing life of my students and shared many of my beliefs on writing.

What I soon realized was that I should have been using the hashtag #whyIshouldwrite.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the work of learning about literacy that I forget to foster my own craft. I’m going to do my very best to use this space as a place to curate, create, and contemplate all things literacy…and maybe a little bit of life also.

One of my students used to say often, “I never know what I think until I write about it.” My hope is that through writing, I will be able to truly extend my understanding of literacy, of voice, and of people.